Into the wild.. Trip delayed

I have to be honest here. I don't think I'm ready to head out the 25th due to emotional issues.
When I walk out this door I want to feel good but instead I feel like I have unfinished bussiness around here.
No I'm not crying my eyes out here but I can't say I'm happy either and I don't want to have worries on my mind when I'm gone. My mind should be clear, fresh and at peace.. and it isn't. And I also need to find out what this chick wants from me.. but that's another story all by itself.

So that's it. As it looks now I can't leave the 25th. And I have no idea when I will, could be next month, could be next year. Once I have nomore unfinished bussiness I'm outta here

Diary 9 may

It's a nice sunny day outside. I have been spending the last couple of days writing, listening to Tupac on youtube, doing fitness and I find myself fantasizing about better days in the future. I have also been walking barefoot for the last couple of days, I'm no Cody but I still better get used to this.
I'm poundering over my social issues, like I said before I have been becoming more social lately and that's good but not if you're about to head out on a solo adventure for the rest of your life. I even met a girl, or I think I have.. we'll see. I should have left a month ago when I was still a recluse. Then I would have only missed my children instead of any human contact.

Ahwell it's not going to mess up my plans, Goodbye for now

Sepultura - Ratamahatta

Diary 5 may

Hi there everyone

I am again living in Velp but on my own this time. I am living in a group with other people.. How do I say that in english.. About 9 people live in this house temporarely. Each of us has their own problems and some have seen more shit then others. We all have one thing in common.. We all don't have a steady roof over our heads.. You could call this home a shelter for the homeless and keep it at that. It's not the same but it's getting close.

I'm now living at walking distance from my children yet I haven't seen them in a month or so, even though it feels like it has been years. Since we are now living in the same, small town there is a chance I might sooner or later stumble upon them.. And if I do and they run up to me, what do I say then? Can I hold up the tears or would I brake down.

Since they are out of my life I have changed.. Boy have I changed alot
I pretend to be happy. Put on my biggest smile but only for a while. The entire day I have this song in my head.. "I am half the man I used to be" (Nirvana?) and that is exactly how I feel. I try to find healing in art, spiritual growth and other people. I find myself looking at woman again and my mind is telling me to look for love. Stupid...
I should be enjoying my freedom of being single after all this shit and I do not want to meet someone new and settle down again. I have past this. been there done that. Yet my mind betrays me and makes me think of girls I have barely met. Love and intense relationships cannot possibly be the cure so I will continue this battle with my mind and remain free.

In case you won't hear from me again..

My dear fellow readers.

As you all know it has become harder and harder to find to time to log on to the internet. I am still staying in Delft with friends of my father and everytime I am alone I head to my blog to see what has been going on.
I have always feld like I should write a goodbye-message to my readers on the day I would leave just to let them know that I have left to live my dream.

But since the situation has changed a week can go bye without being online so I want to let all of you know that if you don't hear from me anymore and the 25th of May has past, know then that I have taken off unfortunately without having had the chance to say goodbye. 

Also remember that I won't be deleting this blog but that it also will not be updated.. Since I won't be bringing a laptop, Ipad or other device with me with which I can log on.

Take care, No regrets

Aan mijn kinderen

Note: This is a letter to my children.. Even if there is a small chance they ever get to read it once they are older it is a chance I have to take. Since this letter will be kind of personal and of little to no interests to other readers it will be written in my language; Dutch.

                          
Aan mijn kinderen                                                                                                         Delft, 25 april 2013

Lieve Guinnevere, Vanora en Yelena.
Ik weet niet goed hoe ik moet beginnen maar ik weet dat deze brief geschreven moet worden.
Als jullie dit ooit te lezen krijgen zijn jullie een stuk ouder dan jullie nu zijn en de kans is groot dat ik inmiddels ergens ver weg een nieuw leven heb opgebouwd en er is een kans dat ik er niet eens meer ben.
De redenen waarom ik ben vertrokken zijn talrijk maar jullie zijn niet de reden waarom ik vertrek en jullie zijn ook niet de reden waarom het fout is afgelopen tussen mij en jullie moeder. Ik ben vertrokken omdat dat mijn lot is en niet omdat ik ben weggejaagd en ook niet omdat ik jullie kwijt wilde.

Ik had 2 keuzes.. Vertrekken en het leven leiden waar ik altijd van gedroomd had en het intense verdriet aanvaaren dat ik jullie nooit meer zou zien.
Of ik kon ervoor kiezen niet op pad te gaan en hier blijven in de hectische samenleving en genoegen nemen met één of andere omgangsregeling waarbij ik jullie eens in de twee weken ofzo zou zien waarbij ik tot genoegen van anderen zou kunnen zien hoe jullie meer en meer van mij zouden vervreemden en meer en meer op jullie moeder en haar garde zou gaan lijken.
Als vader zijnde trek je tenslotte altijd aan het korste eind dus koos ik voor het eerste, wat ik ook gekozen had, leuk zou het zowieso niet zijn.

Tot het einde zullen jullie altijd in mijn gedachten zijn en er zijn geen woorden die kunnen beschrijven hoe mooi en uniek het was om jullie te zien opgroeien, jullie zullen altijd in mijn hart zijn en de herrineringen blijven altijd en ze zijn mij heilig.

Aangezien niemand weet hoe het loopt in de toekomst zeg ik voor nu vaarwel en misschien tot ziens.
Ik hou van jullie,
                          Papa

One month until I'm going to live in the wild

Today is the 25th of April and since I will be leaving the 25th of May today is a special day. Now you might think that in the coming month I might prepare even more to live in the wilderness. But I'm not.
I haven't learned all that there is to learn but I have (in theory) learned enough to survive out there and to make a living. But I will use this last month in society to help others, to find peace within myself and to bring peace and compassion to others, to read books and to write.. I will spend my last month among humans with humans..

My life has been turned upside down, no longer can I consider my life as being boring, empty and hopeless. The stay-at-home-dad inside of my has died and in it's place an adventurer has been born. At the moment I am spending my days with people who are, compared to me, like royalty and here I find myself surrounded with classical music like Vivaldi and Bach and eating food that's apart from being healthy also looks beautiful. All around my are books about mythology, great philosophers and the master of old times.
These are rich and classy folk I am staying with compared to me and my life is not what it was like a month ago. But it is good and it is an honor to be staying with this old couple.

Today I have blocked my bank card.. When my ex and I broke up I left my bank card with her so she had money to feed my children, pay for their school etc. Now it turns out she is working on getting welfare and since I know her well enough to know that she won't give back my bank card that easily I just had it blocked.. Someone will be pissed today... su*ks for her, I gave her and her family all of my cooperation and they have been taking advantage of my friendliness and weak position. It was about time to stop making it easy for them since they no longer deserve my respect and I refuse being a push over from now on.

Since I will be moving to Velp again to live my remaining days as a citizen on my own there is a chance I might see my children again soon, if not there is a big chance I will never see them again. I try not to think about it as it leaves my desperate and it f*cks up the mind from within. I have spend the last 6 years taking care of my children every single day. Now I am spending weeks without seeing them, hearing them and kissing them goodnight.. The whole idea that this would not have an effect on my is preposterous, humorously stupid and above all unrealistic. I could easily fall into a depression because of this, I could also "Take it like a man" and swallow it and pretend nothing has happened. Naturally that isn't good either.
Tonight I will take a knife and carve 3 small incisions into my leg... Call it 'tribal scarification', call it 'being unstable'. It doesn't matter.. The 3 incisions will symbolically represent my children.. losing them has scared me for the rest of my life...

Until I leave I seek refuge in art, music and religion.

My blog.. some future changes

Because of the recent changes in my life I do not have the oppurtunity to spend endless amounts of time on the internet like I used to before. When to folks I'm staying with are away I find the time to borrow their laptop and work on my blog. Because of this I will, from now on only write about my future journey.
So no more tutorials and no more information on bushcraft or primitive/wilderness living.. I just simply cannot find the time to do that. On the other hand, whenever I find the time to go online it will be spend either on this blog or to gain more info on wilderness living.. knowledge is power and this knowledge may save lives.

I will also be updating the List of items I will be bringing with me once again. since many items on the list are still at my girlfriends home such as the famed hobo cooking set.. tough luck.. perhaps I find the time to make a new one, but time is running short.

Goodbye for now. Remember.. if anyone has advice, tips or anything else, feel free to post a comment ;)